Cast
Millie – early 30s
Vanessa – late 30s
‘Mr Sandman’ by The Chordettes starts playing and the lights come up on two women both sleeping on makeshift beds with sleeping bags. Vanessa is curled up sleeping peacefully wearing an eye mask. Millie is fidgeting, plumping her pillow etc before finally sitting up.
Millie
Nessa?…..Nessa?
Vanessa continues to apparently sleep peacefully. Millie looks disappointed and chews her nails for a few seconds then tries again.
Millie
Vanessa? Are you awake?
Vanessa
No.
Millie lies back down to try and sleep too whilst Vanessa’s position remains unmoving. Millie starts to fidget again.
Vanessa
Millie. You’re driving me insane. Slowly.
Millie sits straight up again happy for company.
Millie
Yay you’re awake! I can’t sleep. Can you?
Vanessa slowly sits up and removes her eye mask giving Millie a stern stare.
Millie
Me neither. I think its these creaky pretend beds. They are so annoying.
Millie bounces up and down in her bed making it squeak. Vanessa groans and flops back down on her own bed.
Millie
What happened to our old twin beds?
Vanessa
Millie we moved out years ago. Dad sold the beds so Mum could turn this into a sunbed room.
Millie
But where is the sunbed?
Vanessa
She sold it to buy a new TV
Millie
Where is the new TV
Vanessa
In their bedroom
Millie
Why isn’t in here?
Vanessa
Because we are in here on creaky put away beds trying to sleep!
Millie
Ok, ok, relax! No need to bite my head off!
Vanessa
Millie it’s the middle of the night. I’ve had a long day travelling here and at 6am Dad will start singing in the shower, Mum will start singing downstairs in the kitchen, the dogs will join in and all blessed hope of sleep will be gone. Please let me get some sleep now.
Millie
But I…
Vanessa
SHHH!
Vanessa puts her eyemask back on and lies down again resuming her earlier still position. Millie rests her head on her knees and is silent for awhile then starts to fidget again. Vanessa sits bold upright and whips off her eyemask.
Vanessa
Millie! Seriously!
Millie
I’m sorry I just don’t sleep well in new places. Or on these things. Or when I travel. Or when I..
Vanessa
Ok, ok I get it, you don’t sleep. Fine. SHHH!
Millie
It’s not my fault! Insomnia is a curse you know
Vanessa
Hmm I can think of a few others right now
Millie
My brain is whirring and every time I think I am dropping off I go oooh oooh I am falling asleep! And then that thought wakes me up again
Vanessa puts starts to rub her temple as though she has a hangover.
Millie
Aren’t you excited? It is exciting isn’t it! Tomorrow I mean
Vanessa
It’s a wedding Millie. They happen all the time all over the world to many people.
Millie
Yes but its Helena’s wedding. That’s huge!
Vanessa
Much like the dress I should imagine
Millie
What? No I mean the fact she is getting married.
Vanessa
A man asked. She said yes. They sent invites. Oooooh yes very exciting. Very original.
Millie
But don’t you think its romantic? I do. I think it’s lovely. A whirlwind romance! I wish it was me. Don’t you? Wish it was? You I mean. Not me. Well unless you did too wish it was me then that would be great! You would be my bridesmaid and we could plan the wedding together and we could plan the hen night together and spend lots of time together.
Vanessa
I did not drink enough red wine this evening for this….
Millie
No honestly, it would be fun. And I wouldn’t put you in a something horrible and peach like Helena has done with us. No it would be a classy and sophisticated bridesmaid dress and a beautiful traditional wedding. I’ve got it all planned out you know. Thought about it alot.
Vanessa
Shocker.
Millie
No really, sometimes I buy the magazines. Just to you know flick through the pictures. Or get ideas. Or go to those you know wedding fairs and stuff. Churches etc.
Vanessa
Millie.
Millie
Hmm?
Vanessa
You are not engaged
Millie
I know
Vanessa
You don’t have a boyfriend let alone a finance
Millie
I know
Vanessa
You are in fact single. Yes?
Millie
Yes
Vanessa
Then why please tell me do you buy the magazines, go to the wedding fairs and hang around churches like a Miss Havisham ghoul?
Millie
I like to be prepared
Vanessa flops back down on her bed and flings her arm over her eyes.
Millie
No harm in looking is there? Its just for fun. Daydreams. You know? I like it. It cheers me up looking at the pretty dresses. Deciding which flowers, Which colours. The venue. The cake. The first dance
Vanessa sits back up and looks at Millie in concern.
Vanessa
You really do all that?
Millie
Do what?
Vanessa
Cake! Dress! Scary first dance with a man that doesn’t EXIST
Millie
Yes. Lots of girls do. Its perfectly normal
Vanessa
Noooo its not perfectly normal. In fact I would go so far to say it’s very very far from normal. You haven’t had a boyfriend in ages so why are you planning an imaginary wedding? To an imaginary man.
Millie
Just in case
Vanessa
In case?
Millie
I have a whirlwind romance. Like Helena. You know then it could happen even quicker. He would ask and I would go oh yes! And then plan it straight away and it could happen as soon as possible.
Vanessa
You’re starting to scare me. Which I imagine is much the same response the potential groom will have
Millie
But don’t you see I just know that’s how it’s going to happen. How it will be. Like Helena
Vanessa
Helena is a control freak who is probably pregnant and thus is herding that poor sacrificial groom down the aisle so she can still fit into a meringue ball dress.
Millie
That’s not very kind.
Vanessa
Neither is Helena.
Millie
Well I just think you’re being cynical its romantic and I think it’s going to happen to me.
Vanessa
Hun we are in our 30s I think if it was going to happen it would have happened by now. Set your sights on Vegas and be done with it.
Millie
Vegas! That’s tacky. I would never get married in Vegas!
Vanessa
Oh and Helena’s frothy frilly wedding dress and our matching peach and lace bridesmaid dresses are the height of fashion and good taste?
Millie
You’re spoiling it. Why are you spoiling? Don’t spoil it! Don’t!
Vanessa
Alright, alright calm down Hun. Why are you getting so upset
Millie
Because its important. It means something. Getting married. It’s the whole point. Its why I keep dating men and why I keep….trying. I want that. I want that wedding. I want to be the bride. I want to walk down the aisle and have everyone coo and ahh over me. I want to have my pictures taken all day and I want to wear the big frock with a matching big rock on my finger. What’s so wrong with that? Why can’t I have that? Why?
Vanessa
Why? Let’s see because its materialistic, it’s a cliché, it’s a waste of money and all it proves is that you have lots of relatives to fight with each on the other big day whilst you pay extortionate amounts to feed them and watch them get mullered on overpriced pretend champagne.
Millie
You’re such a witch sometimes. Why do you have to be like that. You’ll see. When it’s your turn. You’ll change your tune
Vanessa
Millie my dear, I can assure you the tune will stay the same.
Millie
Well not everyone is like you. Thinks like you. Some of us have feelings
Vanessa
Woah there – what’s that supposed to mean?
Millie
You know what it means.
Vanessa
Enlighten me
Millie
Cold. Unfeeling. Robotic
Vanessa
Robotic?
Millie
No worse than a robot. A statue. Emotionless
Vanessa
Really? Cos I am feeling some pretty strong emotions right now Missy!
Millie
Oh anger? Really? What a surprise. Yes anger you have alright but none of the good ones. None of the warm, happy ones.
Vanessa
Unlike you I suppose? Little Miss Sunshine. Who is single and stalks wedding fairs and churches. Nothing strange about that oh no – that’s perfectly happy functional behaviour
Millie
You can be such a cow sometimes
Vanessa
No I am normal. I am sane. You however are a mad cow in need of a stun gun before you get yourself arrested.
Millie
Arrested for what?
Vanessa
Crimes against event planners – at this rate you’ll be booking it all and keeping it on hold until Mr Deluded Right stumbles unwittingly into your path
Millie goes silent and starts to look shifty.
Vanessa
Millie.
Millie
Hmm?
Vanessa
Millie?
Millie
What?
Vanessa
Millie!
Millie
WHAT!
Vanessa
Millie for the love of all that is sane in this world please tell me you haven’t done it
Millie
No, of course not!…….Well….just the church
Vanessa
Excuse me?
Millie
And the venue
Vanessa
Oh god….
Millie
And the dress
Vanessa
Millie! That’s certifiable! You’re last boyfriend was nearly 2 years ago!
Millie
It’s just precautionary you know. These things get booked so far in advance
Vanessa
How far in advance have you booked it all?
Millie
End of year after next
Vanessa
Hmm, ok well that’s slightly less scary
Millie
Cos I had to cancel the one I had booked for this year
Vanessa
Scared again!!!
Millie
Well no not cancel…just um not use myself
Vanessa
That’s one way of looking at it. Another way would be ARE YOU MAD
Millie
Actually no, I’m not. In fact my forward planning was extremely beneficial in the end. It helped someone else. So there.
Vanessa
What do you mean? Someone else?
Millie
Nothing
Vanessa
No. Explain yourself.
Millie
Just….that..my erm wedding booking came in handy for someone else. That’s all
Vanessa
You mean someone who got the slot instead
Millie
Yes. Exactly.
Vanessa
Some stranger?
Millie
Erm, you could say that
Vanessa
Millie?
Millie
Ok fine, Helena then. Helena took the slots. At the church. At the venue. At the dress shop. At everything. All of it. She took it. She took the lot. She took everything. Everything from me. It was all planned. It was all perfect. Then she swooped in and took it – took the flowers, took the photographer, took the menu, took my first dance all of it. Gone!
Vanessa
Millie. Listen to me very slowly. It’s not the wedding you have to worry about disappearing. There are other things much much more important than weddings.
Millie
Like what? There isn’t, there is nothing. Nothing more important. Nothing!
Vanessa
SANITY
Millie
What?
Vanessa
SANITY! Your sanity. My sanity having to listen to you. You. Have. Lost. It. Get a grip woman. Stop it. Stop it all. The future bookings. The wedding fairs. The manic magazine buying. Just stop it. If you ever do meet a new man and he, bless his naive soul, decides to propose. He will swiftly rescind that offer when you produce the huge rambling ancient dusty book of all things imaginary detailing a wedding booked before you knew him!
Millie
It’s not huge. It’s a slim file. And it’s a pink. Not dusty. Pink and fluffy.
Vanessa
Oh well that’s alright then. Millie, please! Do you know what we are going to do tomorrow?
Millie
Go to my wedding!………….Erm, I mean Helena’s wedding
Vanessa
Yes but before that wonderful delight of yet another wasted Saturday in Summer we are going to sit down. Quietly and calmly and call all the people you have made imaginary bookings with and cancel them. Cancel it all. All of it. Do you understand?
Millie
ok…..just not the dress……
Vanessa
All of it!
Millie
Fine, but if I meet that special someone soon and he proposes to me it will you, you who has to plan my wedding. All of it. Every detail. For as soon as possible. Agreed?
Vanessa
Agreed.
Millie
Fine.
Vanessa exhales in relief and flops back down exhausted. Millie curls up too and appears to be starting to drift off.
Millie
Nessa? Just so you know, according to last month’s Bridal For You, many brides meet their future spouses at weddings so tomorrow it could be me. Or you. In fact I have it here, let me read you some of it….
Millie rustles a magazine loudly and flicks to the article. Vanessa picks up her pillow and holds it over her head. We hear Vanessa’s muffled groan from under pillow. Lights start to dim as ‘Mr Sandman’ plays again.
